Cramer Admits He Was “Wrong”
In stunning reversal, and completely out of character, Jim Cramer is admitting he was wrong about Bear Stearns and fesses up that he has been burying investors since 1998:
“I have decided to come clean and admit I have buried millions of hardworking American investors since my media career began in the late 90’s. I have been wrong more than I have been right, often dreadfully so, and should have my sharpe ratio tattooed on my forehead. Maintaining the myth that my picks have outperformed the market has taken a toll on myself and my family. The days of covering my tracks with doublespeak and sleight of hand performance calculations are over. I would also like to extend an olive branch to the editorial staff at Barron’s, who were not out of line in critiquing my stockpicking last summer.”
“The Bear Stearns debacle was merely the latest in a long line of mistakes I have made. I would also like to single out my pick (long) of Acme Packet (APKT-NASDAQ) during the last trading week of 2006, ethanol related issues two years ago, and the famous red-hots(**) of the year 2000, a basket of tech stocks I clearly stuck with too long. Each and any one of these picks could have wiped you out.”
“Now that Eliot Spitzer no longer has my back, and a new Regulatory “Super Cop” soon will be on the prowl, I have decided honesty is the best policy. I will be enrolling in the CFA program to develop remedial security analysis skills that were not required to work in Goldman’s Institutional Equity Sales department, or to run a hedge fund whose stock in trade was whipping around rumor driven merchandise.”
“For those of you who have been asking, I had planned to settle up on my losing 50k charity bet, but the funds I had earmarked to use have unfortunately been tied up in Auction Rate Securities.”
Whatever is left after the haircut is applied will be used to satisfy my obligation, and I will throw in a few autographed copies of my latest book for good measure.
I would also like to take this opportunity to apologize to Ben Bernanke for claiming that he “knows nothing”. Public servants deserve our respect, particularly those in crucial positions like Mr. Bernanke and the honorable William Poole.
I will also be making a substantial contribution to PETA in memory of Vonage, my children’s dog, which suffered a massive heart attack on the set of Mad Money after sitting to close to the speakers on my soundboard.”
“In a final show of goodwill, I would like to pitch America my single best idea, the struggling shares of TheStreet.com (TSCM-NASDAQ). My ongoing contract negotiations have me in the “relatively quiet” period, but drumming up some interest in the stock is prudent, at least the way I see it. This country has been good to me, and it is time I gave back, and allow Main Street to get in on this ground floor opportunity.”
(**) Red Hots included Qualcomm, JDSU, Exodus, Juniper, Redback, Verisign, Cisco, Gateway, Tricon, Dell and Micron, which declined precipitously during the correction of the internet bubble.
Happy April Fools Day, Jim Cramer. The preceding has been satire, deal with it.
Famous April Fools Day Prank
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The content contained represent the opinions of 1440 Wall Street. This commentary in no way constitutes a solicitation of business or investment advice. It is intended solely for the entertainment of the reader, and the author.
Comments:
Next entry: Auction Rate Horror Hits Joe Sixpack
Previous entry: No Winners in CNBC's Tobias Tale
